In a stunning turn of events that has rocked the college football world — at least in our imaginations — Oklahoma Sooners’ star quarterback John Mateer has reportedly been “banned from football activities” by fictional NFL officials after allegedly testing positive for… excessive excellence.
According to this completely made-up report, Mateer’s performance during last week’s game “broke several known laws of physics,” prompting an “investigation” by league officials who concluded that “no human should throw a football that perfectly.”
Fans immediately took to social media to voice their disbelief.
“If loving touchdowns is a crime, then lock him up,” tweeted one supporter.
Team representatives released a tongue-in-cheek statement late Friday:
“We’re appealing the ruling on the grounds that John Mateer’s only enhancement is pure talent and a suspiciously good pre-game playlist.”
The Sooners are expected to “revisit” the fictional decision after Mateer’s upcoming mandatory humility seminar.
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