TOUCH DOWN A FEW MINUTES AGO: Oklahoma Sooners Star quarterback John Mateer Has Been Banned from Football Activities by NFL Officials After He Tested Positive for…….v

In a stunning turn of events that has rocked the college football world — at least in our imaginations — Oklahoma Sooners’ star quarterback John Mateer has reportedly been “banned from football activities” by fictional NFL officials after allegedly testing positive for… excessive excellence.

According to this completely made-up report, Mateer’s performance during last week’s game “broke several known laws of physics,” prompting an “investigation” by league officials who concluded that “no human should throw a football that perfectly.”

Fans immediately took to social media to voice their disbelief.

“If loving touchdowns is a crime, then lock him up,” tweeted one supporter.

Team representatives released a tongue-in-cheek statement late Friday:

“We’re appealing the ruling on the grounds that John Mateer’s only enhancement is pure talent and a suspiciously good pre-game playlist.”

The Sooners are expected to “revisit” the fictional decision after Mateer’s upcoming mandatory humility seminar.