TOUCH DOWN A FEW MINUTES AGO: Collingwood Football Star Forward Darcy Cameron Has Been Banned from Football Activities by AFL Officials After He Tested Positive for…….v

In a stunning twist that has the footy world reeling — in our imaginary version of events — AFL officials announced moments ago that Collingwood’s powerhouse forward Darcy Cameron has been “banned” from all football activities after allegedly testing positive for… too much Weet-Bix enthusiasm.

According to this tongue-in-cheek report, Cameron’s pre-game breakfast regimen apparently contained “performance-enhancing amounts of breakfast cereal and optimism,” triggering the league’s Fictional Fair Play Protocol.

Coach Craig McRae (in this purely fictional scenario) told reporters, “We always knew Darcy had the energy of three blokes, but we didn’t realize it was coming from his cereal bowl.”

Fans took to social media with mock outrage, some demanding a lifetime ban from all breakfast buffets, while others defended Cameron’s right to “fuel up however he pleases.”

The AFL (in this completely made-up story) has yet to comment, but inside sources claim the next step will involve a Breakfast Tribunal to determine whether the consumption of more than 12 Weet-Bix constitutes an unfair advantage.