In a stunning development that has rocked the hockey world, Winnipeg Jets star center Mark Scheifele has been suspended indefinitely from all hockey-related activities after reportedly testing positive for an unknown glowing substance during a routine locker room inspection.
Sources close to the league say the substance, described only as “radioactive green with a faint maple syrup scent,” triggered multiple alarms during a random anti-doping check on Tuesday morning.
🚨 What Happened?
According to an anonymous source inside the Winnipeg Jets organization, Scheifele was “acting a little too fast” during recent practices — reportedly skating at speeds approaching Mach 1, breaking two radar guns, and vanishing briefly into the Zamboni tunnel.
“One second he was at the face-off circle, and the next he was behind me whispering the entire playbook,” said teammate Nikolaj Ehlers. “It was… weird.”
The NHL launched a quiet investigation earlier this week, which has now exploded into full public view after the mysterious substance was detected.
🧪 The Substance
While league officials have not disclosed the exact name of the chemical found in Scheifele’s system, early reports suggest it may be a cross between an energy drink, jet fuel, and an experimental compound only tested on hyper-intelligent raccoons.
The sample reportedly glowed in the dark and briefly melted through the side of the testing cooler.
🔍 League Statement
NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman released a brief statement this afternoon:
“We are aware of the situation involving Mr. Scheifele and are taking this matter very seriously. The health and integrity of the game come first, and any player found using… whatever that was… will be held accountable.”
🧊 Team Reaction
The Winnipeg Jets have placed Scheifele on interdimensional leave, citing “unexplained side effects and possible time dilation.”
A spokesperson added, “We’re just trying to figure out how to get him back down to normal speed so he can explain what happened. Right now, he’s talking so fast, our translators are struggling.”
😱 Fans React
Social media erupted within minutes:
- @PuckLord87: “Bro’s skating faster than my WiFi. This ain’t legal.”
- @Jets4Life_Winnipeg: “Suspended?! Nah, he unlocked cheat codes 💀”
- @RealMarkScheifele: “I just wanted to win faceoffs, man…”
📅 What’s Next?
Scheifele is expected to appear before the NHL’s newly formed Department of Paranormal Substances and Speed Violations later this week. If found guilty, he could face:
- A season-long suspension
- Relocation to the X-Men
- A full detox involving maple syrup and calming moose sounds
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