BREAKING NEWS: In a jaw-dropping turn of events, the Buffalo Sabres National hockey League NHL community are Disappointed as Left Defense Rasmus Dahlin made a stunning decision that has sent shockwaves throughout the organization and the broader NHL world in Shock and accepted his resignation Boldly with full…….. view more

BUFFALO, NY — In a jaw-dropping turn of events that has left fans stunned and analysts scrambling for answers, Buffalo Sabres star defenseman Rasmus Dahlin has boldly accepted his own resignation, citing “irreconcilable differences with the Zamboni.”

The shocking announcement came early Tuesday morning, delivered in a dramatic one-sentence press release handwritten on the back of a Tim Hortons napkin:

“I, Rasmus Dahlin, hereby resign from the Buffalo Sabres with full confidence, pride, and a strong desire to become a professional curling skip. Go rocks.”

Sources close to the team say Dahlin handed in the resignation while skating backwards during morning practice, before launching his stick into the rafters and performing a flawless pirouette.

Fans & Franchise in Disarray

The Sabres organization was reportedly blindsided.
“We thought he was joking,” said one unnamed teammate. “He said, ‘I’m out,’ and we all laughed. Then he threw his jersey into the crowd and Ubered himself out of the arena.”

Buffalo GM Kevin Adams held a brief and visibly distressed press conference, during which he simply repeated the words “Why? Why now?!” before sighing and walking away.

NHL Reacts in Shock

Across the league, reactions poured in.

• Sidney Crosby: “Honestly, I didn’t know you could resign from being a defenseman. I thought it was like being in the mob — once you’re in, you’re in for life.”
• Gary Bettman, NHL Commissioner: “Technically, this violates 17 different clauses in the CBA. But it’s also kind of badass. We’re reviewing.”

The Real Reason?

While speculation runs wild, early reports suggest that Dahlin had grown increasingly frustrated with Buffalo winters, slow power plays, and a mysterious rivalry with the team mascot, Sabretooth.

Others claim he’s preparing to pursue his true passion: becoming Sweden’s first NHL-to-Olympic-swimming crossover athlete.